My mother just received her Sherman County Alumni Association newsletter, and I have this urge to make fun of it in public.
Sherman County is in northwestern Kansas, by the Colorado border. I really, really, do not like Kansas. At all. There is nothing there. For example, the State Lake does not have any water. Once my grandmother pointed excitedly at a damp ditch and yelled, “Look! There’s WATER in the river!”. Except for Oklahoma and possibly Nebraska, Kansas is the most empty state I have ever been to.
The newsletter, first off, spells her name wrong. It begins with the header Sherman County Alumni Association and follows with the deeply insightful subhead Another Year Comes to a Close at Goodland High School. The first sentence of the article then helpfully informs you, in case you completely ignored the subhead, Another year at Goodland high School has come to a close. Congratulations to the 64 graduates of the Class of 2008. When my mother graduated from there she had about 150 other students in her class, so the town is gradually getting smaller and smaller. My dad’s class also had about 150, although he’s from a completely different state. If I was in regular school, even in our little town, there would be about 480 kids in my class.
The class of 2007 had the James Bond tagline, and the class of 08 has “Pushing the legal limit”, but what can you do with 2011? I’m just glad that by the time 2011 rolls around they won’t have those stupid glasses where the eyes are the 0’s. You know the ones I mean:
Those really bug me for some reason.
The newsletter goes on to “make you aware of many opportunities available for the Alumni who are interested in returning to the Good Life in Sherman County”. These opportunities include FCCLA, the Family Career and Community Leaders of America. The rest of the article is about FCCLA (do they say eff-see-see-ell-ay? or fckla? or family career and community leaders of America? or what? hm.) and the awards they’ve given each other. They “can also boast our accomplishments in the following areas”, and then a list of sports and academic achievements the class of 2008 did.
The thing that I am genuinely impressed by is State music competition. I’m not sure what kind of organization they have. Here it’s PMEA (pee-em-ee-ay) but in New York it’s NYSSMA (nis-ma). So probably KMEA (kmee) or KSSMA (kiss ma….I’m guessing it’s not this.). At the local high school (I’m going to refer to it as “we” because while I don’t go there I am in the music department and I’m sure you’re bright enough to figure it out), it’s pretty unusual to get to states.
The band usually gets a couple people into districts, and one or two into regionals. The chorus always gets about ten people into districts and four or five into regionals, and just about every year they get one person into states. Less frequently they have All-Eastern. The orchestra…if you get into districts, it means semi-fame, particularly if you’re a violinist. This year there was one violinist who got in, the first in about five years. Last year there was a bass player. Before that the last person to get in was in 2003 and he is semi-famous in his own right now. There hasn’t been a girl for ten years or a sophomore for seven, so maybe it’s time to break that streak. (NO, I’m not committing!) So if a high school that small got people to states…that’s impressive.
Now, back to the sarcasm!
On the second page there is an article urging you to “Come Home”. Come Home is their new slogan, evidently, but instead of hitting ctrl-i they just put it in “quotes” all the time. It really, really, bothers me when people do this.
Refresher course:
WRONG: I would like to extend a “huge” thanks to all the seniors for their leadership, blah blah blah…. This implies that you are not really extending a huge thanks, you just want to sort-of thank the seniors, or you want them to think that you’re thanking them while really you can’t wait for them to leave.
RIGHT: Mr. Jones checked into the hotel with his “wife” yesterday afternoon. Using the basic rule above, explain why this sentence is correct. (Hint:Dear Abby will tell you what is the best thing for “Mrs. Jones” to do in this situation. )
All through the whole darn article it has “come home”. In quotes. WRONGLY. Here are some excerpts:
Goodland boasts the only 18 hole golf course between Denver and Hays and is called the “Gem of the Prairie”.
With two fitness centers, the Carnegie Arts Center, the High Plains Museum, Six Public Parks… None of these attractions are really that impressive. Or, I’m just a cynical Easterner. Last time I was in the High Plains Museum, the grouchy lady at the desk wanted to know if we had ever been in a museum before and did we know how to behave? What does she expect people to say, “No, I haven’t. I was under the impression that I could just come in here with a sledgehammer and destroy things!”. Mom said that actually the last museum we had been to was the Met, which shut her up.
Great Shopping- Where, Wal-Mart?
During the summer months we have a 4th of July Celebration with the Best Fireworks Display between Kansas City and Denver. Dad wants to know whether Goodland’s celebration is really better than Topeka’s or Lawrence’s, Topeka and Lawrence being actual cities.
The Senior Adult Center, a gathering place FOR ADULTS —No duh!
Northwest Kansas Technical College—Who knew?
VA Medical Services only 30 miles away! —In Colby.
The Closing Line: We Welcome you to “come home”!!!
And here is their website if you are interested in a considerably less sarcastic picture of Goodland, Kansas:
