Lapsus Calumni

A page for all the random strange things my mother has said over the course of the years, in no particular order. More will be added as time goes by.

• Faux beau!!!!!
• Wake up and smell the coffee, you writhing bulbous idiot!
• Timpani!
• It’s not a road. It’s one big pothole!
• Breadfruit is a FRUIT.
• Is he dead?
• Someday, you will have your own insanity.
• I hope you have a child just like you someday.
• Always go with your first instinct.
• He married me cause I make him laugh.
• (Person: Have you ever had beef stew?)  Nope, haven’t even had soup.
• And then….there was an earthquake.
• Are you the mom?
• Ask yourself, Is this something an idiot would do?
• I’m going to make over all your pants into kilts.
• You are a skinny weak chicken. (to me, of course) Almost immediately followed by, “Wow, your fingers are really strong! You could be a masseuse!
• Where’s he/she/it going to school?
• Look! Snack-sized potatoes!
• Buffalo!
• It’s gonna be a looong six years.
• Ith a bomb!
• Who is the parent?
• I’ll just make my OWN damn billboard!
• Oooh good, it’s the Target with the balls!
• The Band Who Slouches.
• I have sixty-seven other items, but you must guess what they are.
• Don’t we pass to the left?
• Diarrhea of the mouth.
• Eraserhead!
• We’re just one BIG goose!
• Jeremiah was a bulldog.
• Look! Someone’s deer got loose!
• You know what’s gonna happen?? There’s gonna be a missile crisis at Kittatinny, that’s what’s gonna happen! And then he will have to go to Berlin! (ftr: Kittatinny is the local boat-rental place. She meant Pickatinny, which is the local aresnal.)
• The thing these anarchists need is a good club to join.
• 18 million cracks—it sounds like a plumber’s convention!!!
• The turd person.
• What if you had a dog…and you dressed it up to look like a different kind of dog?

DISCLAIMER: Of course, these are just a fraction of the things she says, and most of what comes out of her mouth is completely totally sane. Really. All of the preceding stuff is taken completely out of context.

Interesting little anecdote: Once mom went to our local yarn shop, picked up some things, chatted with the owner for a while, and turned to leave. She then looked in her bag and said, “Did you give me a receipt for this?”. The owner replied, “Actually, you haven’t paid me yet!”. Later on the same day she was at Dunkin’ Donuts and needed one more penny to make exact change. She started rooting through the jar of change on the counter, thinking it was one of those need-a-penny, take-a-penny jars, when she noticed the Pakistani man behind the counter glaring at her. She glanced down and realized that her hand was in his tip jar. He gave her regular coffee instead of decaf and she was on a buzz all day.