You Know You’re a Music Geek When:

The first post I did on this was one of my more popular ones, so here are some more I’ve been collecting.

You know you’re a music geek when:

• Instead of getting emails advertising cheap insurance, you get emails offering 10% off “our entire bodhran category!”. (true story)
• You clip the nails on one hand shorter.
• You wear your hair back so it doesn’t get in your way when you play. The same goes for jewelery.
• You collect quotes from your music class (yes, I do this…and I have four pages too!)
• You know who the “Three B’s” were.
• You know how to treat valve-oil stains.
• When you grab a random piece of paper to use as a bookmark, you often find yourself holding a string packet..
• or an audition application…
• or a lesson schedule…
• or sheet music.
• And speaking of sheet music, you have written down phone numbers on sheet music before, “because it’s handy”.
• You know you’re a violin geek when within one measure you can tell whether it’s Hillary Hahn or Joshua Bell playing, but you don’t know the names of the Spice Girls.
• You can pronounce Dvorak.
• You actually practice.
• You find fault with Jascha Heifeitz
• You start playing Vivaldi on the mandolin.
• You give up playing Vivaldi on the mandolin.
• You rate rooms in your house based on the acoustics.
• You are insanely protective of your instrument.
• More so than you are of your little brother.
• Somebody requests to examine it, and you won’t let them until you’re absolutely sure they won’t break it.
• You know what a wolf tone is.
• You get stuff like rosin or Dominant strings for stocking stuffers.
• Dominant totally rules.
• You won’t play contact sports for fear you’ll hurt your hands.
• When someone says, “Chrysler”, you immediately think, “Kriesler”.

Yes, I am a total loser.

Ben Speaks

This is an interview with my little brother, Ben, that is being conducted as I type.

Me: So how are you today?

Ben: ..silence….

M: So how are you today?

B: Oh, we’re starting?

M: Yes.

B: Um. How are you, is the question.

M: I’m fine, and why did you say that last setence backwards?

B: Wait. What? I didn’t say it backwards!

M: Yes you did, the correct way would be , “The question is, how are you?”.

B: OK, I admit it.

M: you admit what?

B: I did say it backwards. Wow, you can type fast. Did you know that Huckabee dropped out? He did, I swear. You can check the New York Times.

M: Yes, I did know that. What do you think of this year’s election?

B: Dangit. Blood battle. It’s the first time I’ve actually payed attention to it, so I don’t know if this is what it’s like all the time or if I just don’t listen to the other ones.

M: Who do you think will get the democratic nomination?

B: Democratic? Man. Um, Hilary Clinton.

M: Obama’s ahead in delagates right now. You don’t think it’ll be him?

B: Hillary’s got a lot of superdelagates and it doesn’t seem like she’s getting rid of them, so…

M: What about that guy who switched to supporting Obama last week?

B: One guy…….If that keeps happening, then I’m wrong.

M: Who do you think will win the presidency?

B: John McCain. He got endorsed by the president, did you know?

M: Yes, I knew that also.

B: Poop.

M: Beg pardon?

B: You know what I said, you just typed it on the screen!

M: It wasn’t that kind of a beg pardon.

B: Poop. *laughs hysterically*

END OF INTERVIEW

B: Is this the end? Dangit.

Passports…

they’re expensive, problematic, and absolutely necessary for traveling out of the country.

So since I’m going to France this summer, I had to apply for one. This is how it went:

1. A month or two ago, Dad brought home two forms, one for each of us. Something somehow happens to them, so he gets two more. These two inexplicably went missing, so since they have a new design out he gets four more at the post office.

2. Mom attempts to fill out the forms. On the first one, she accidentally signs on the line, the line that is right below the bold printing that says, “DO NOT WRITE BELOW THIS LINE”. So that form gets trashed.

3. On the second one, she fills it all out perfectly, except that each time the form asks for a birthday, she puts in mine. “I wonder why they keep asking for your birthday?” is what she said, and then she realized that most of them were for writing other people’s birthdays. So that form gets the Wite-Out treatment.

4. We have a photo taken at Rite-Aid. The plain off-white background is on rollers and will not stay down. The clerk told me, “It usually takes a couple of tries to get it to stay down” but she had to pull it thirty-seven times before it stuck.You know how those annoying blinds always snap up at random moments? That was what it was like. They probably would have better luck using a window blind.  Then they had to reboot the machine. But eventually it works, and we get two reasonably unattractive photos. I think that is some sort of government regulation, that no matter how good you look in real life, in a passport photo you look horrible.

5. Because I am under sixteen, both Mom and Dad have to be present when I apply. So we meet Dad at the post office (an authorized Passport Acceptance Facility) on his lunch hour, where we are informed that they do passport applications every day except Wednesday, which of course is what day we picked.

6. But they tell us we can also go down to the courthouse, which is also an Authorized Passport Acceptance Facility. So we go to the courthouse

7. well, actually we go to the Administration Building, which is where Dad thought it was. But it turns out it was really in the courthouse, so we go there.

8. At the courthouse, we have to go through the metal detector, to determine that we are not carrying any weapons or (God forbid) loose change. Dad asks where they do passports. The security officer says, “in the Administration Building”. Thankfully the other security officer directs us to the Pronthonotary. Is that not the coolest word? PronThoNotary. That could be a sort of computer game, like simulated fishing. Simulated PassPortApplikation. Real fake legal documents!

9. I digress. Anyway, at the Pronthonotary they are busy, so they tell us to wait in the hall. Half an hour later they inform us that they cannot do my passport because I need a certified Birth Certificate, which we lost. Mom points out that we do have my Baptism Certificate, Certificate of Confirmation, Social Security Card, and a copy of the birth certificate, but apparently that won’t cut it.

10. So we leave, and the next day Mom drives to Middletown to obtain replacement birth certificates.

11. And today we came back to the courthouse. When we went through the metal detector the security guard was a weirdo with an accent. He said that when we came out of the Pronthonotary we would have to spell it, but I thought he said smell it and got confused. Anyway, we applied, only to discover that the picture was stapled to the form wrong. Once we got that straightened out, the Pronthonotary changed the date of my trip from July to May so the application would come through faster. THEN Mom saw Dad’s picture and said that he looked like a criminal. Also, swarthy.THEN we found out that Wite-Out is unacceptable.

12. So she gave Mom a new form, and we went to the hallway to fill it out. Then Dad came out, and said he was going to run down to the post office to get a money order, because evidently they don’t accept checks.

13. Then we had to unstaple the pictures and restaple them on the new form. Then Dad came back with a money order, and we had to say an oath.

14. And finally, after much ado, I have applied for a passport!

15. Hopefully actually using it won’t be this much trouble.

Drama in the Desert

Today at church we had a play. I love it when our church does plays.

For example, on Palm Sunday two years ago, we had a reenactment of the Easter story, and it was hilarious. Judas had a really affected way of delivering lines, and he said,”HOW much WILL you PAY me to BEtray HIM?” and when there was an earthquake the narrator said,”And then there was an earthquake” and all the disciples waved their arms and legs in a comical manner. Also, when the rooster crowed a woman in the front pew yelled “Ar-ar-ar-aroooooo!” and some people (not me of course)  thought that was hysterical. For Jesus the narrator announced “he fell to the ground in prayer” and Jesus fell flat on his face. And when they got to putting the crown of thorns on his head, it was really a wreath form and it was too big and kept falling down around his neck. We still talk about that one.

At the last play they did, every time someone crossed into heaven, Mr. Fornoff hit the organ and the choir sang “Allllllllll-le-lu-ya!” which only got funnier as the play progressed.

When I was in third and fourth grades, our Sunday School teacher was really into drama. That year I played Commandments One through Five, Commandment Seven (adultery), A Flock of Crows, and the very important role of A Mime Who Turns Away Jesus. And that was just third grade! And I suppose it must have given some kids a taste for drama, because in the last two middle school plays boys from that class played Captain Hook, A Giant Rabbit, and Nibs the Lost Boy. Although frankly it just made me decide not to go on stage acting ever again.

So here are some pictures from today’s play. This one was about Moses and the Israelites. Try to ignore the blurry ones and people’s heads in the foreground- I was just taking pictures as fast as I could.

This is the main scene. Left to right we have: Israelite 1; Liturgist; Israelite 2; Israelite 3; Israelite 4; Some Guy Who Is Possibly Israelite 5 Or Else Joshua Or Maybe Moses, I’m Not Sure; and The Hand Of Moses Or Else God, I’m Not Sure On That One Either.

This is Probably Moses  again, this time holding a big stick. He used this stick to hit the altar, causing water to flow from the Rock, played by a Small But Attractive Garden Fountain.

Here is said Fountain surrounded by Other Rocks, played by Garbage Bags And Paper.

Here are Almost All The Guys From the Choir, AKA Greek Chorus Made Up Of Men With Four Letters In Their Names, who sang a refrain at pivotal points in the script to indicate that they were pivotal points in the script. Left to right we have Bill, Dick, and Dave. Dave apparently felt the urge to point in a strange manner.

This is The Organist, playing the important role of The Organist. He is also part of the Chorus of Men With Four Letters In Their Names: Bill, Dave, Dick, and Jeff.

This is the set from the back: notice the Bright Orange Power Cord for the Fountain and the Hefty Bags.

And here are the Acolytes For The Day, Karley and JJ. Aren’t they a great team?

Au Contraire, installment three

I have posted several pictures and descriptions of Sophie on here; however, each time, she is adamant that I not post anything about her. So I read her all the entries that had her name in them. And she enjoyed them. She said,

 ”Wow, Liv! I guess it’s a good thing Ben and I are so funny! Otherwise you wouldn’t have anything to write about!”

I now have permission to post all about her. So here is a picture in which she looks absolutely adorable. (I think, anyway. Sophie hates it.)

cute huh?

The Church Chronicles, episode two

I am in charge of the acolytes, which means I hear whatever people say in the choir or as they’re walking in, and I have been a part of some great conversations.

The first one was when I was standing with the youth choir, talking to some second-graders:

girl: do you like my earrings?

girl #2: oooohhhh! Are they new?

boy: when I grow up i’m gonna have an earring!

girl: no you aren’t, silly, earrings are for girls!

boy: when I grow up I’m gonna have an earring for my TONGUE!!!!

Then last fall the youth went to see Godspell in Port Jervis. I say “the youth”, but I really mean Danielle, Jonathon, Jennifer, and I. No one else could come. The play was at a church……..but Mrs. Repenning pulled into the wrong parking lot. Actually, she pulled into a parking lot that was

a) deserted

b) dark and

c) on the wrong side of the street and several blocks down from where we needed to be.

It was a bit like an alley, really. Then, there was no place to turn around, so she had to back out. To do this she got Jonathon, who was in back with JJ, to turn around and direct her. JJ was making siren noises, which probably didn’t help her concentration either. (I used abbreviations here, because somehow everybody involved has really long names)

Mrs. R: (really worried tone of voice)Jonathonjonathontellmehowi’mdoingamigoingtohitanything?

J: You are three feet from a tree. Please. Stop. Now.

Thank you.

She continued backing and agonizing.

JJ: WEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeEEEEEEeeeee (siren noise)  

J: Good one! You must have missed that last car by at least six inches!  

JJ:WWeeeeeeeEEEEEEEeeeeeee….. 

Me: JJ, ferme la bouche. (that’s French for shut up. We had been discussing foreign languages on the drive.) 

J: (Spanish, but i can’t spell it right) Muertes cabayo y un pantalones.  

Me: What?

 J: The dead horse is wearing pants. 

Me: that’s what i thought you said………… *loud crunch* 

Mrs. R: Jonathon? What was that?  

J: You just ran over a little old lady in a walker.  

*loud crunch again* 

J: Whoops! There goes her husband!  

Danielle: I’ll get out and direct you. (she jumps out of the car, which is moving, albeit slowly) (sidenote: she thinks were geeky. we drive her to the point of jumping out of moving vehicles.) 

Mrs. R: What are you doing? 

D: I TOLD you I was getting out!

Eventually Danielle got back in the van and we found the right parking lot. Unfortunately, there were no more parking spots, so Mrs. Repenning, instead of turning around, backed out. That caused traffic problems, because there were six other cars trying to get in at the same time. Then Danielle started freaking out about how everybody in Port Jervis has guns and is out to get us. Mrs. R. was trying to reassure her when Jonathon noted that “if you see a man and a woman holding hands in Port Jervis you know they’re brother and sister”. His exact words- I did not make this up.  For some reason this really bothered Mrs. Repenning.

Eventually we got out of the parking lot and started looking for a spot on the street.

Jonathon: (Really incredibly rude word in German)

JJ: (repeats rude word several times)

Mrs. R: JJ!

I bet we’re the only church youth group who curses at each other in German.

The Toilet Episode

Have you ever tried to say, with a straight face, to an adult, “It was about the safety of the toilets in the plumbing department” ? Trust me, it’s reeeeeaaaalllyyyy hard.

And have you ever walked through a store and realized that the toilet displays are high above your head and liable to crash down? I mean, wouldn’t it be embarrassing to have on your death certificate “bludgeoned by toilet”?

And have you ever gotten a personalized form letter from the Zone Manager of Lowe’s ?

I have done all of these things.

You know how at stores and hotels and restaurants they have those little comment cards, where you write about the nature of your visit and complain about the service? I picked up one of those at Lowe’s once. And now that I had it, I thought I might as well fill it out, right? But first I had to think of a complaint. After a while, I had the perfect one: Toilet Safety. This is a rising cause of concern within national groups, and the governor has formed a Toilet Coalition to confront the issue. Not really. But it is an important issue, so I filled out the card, and in the complaints section I wrote about the dangers of having toilets so far up above people’s heads, and how they might crash down and seriously injure people, and then Lowe’s would be sued, and we certainly didn’t want that. So I finished the card, and sent it in, laughing all the way…………..and they called me back.They were genuinely concerned about my complaint, and they wanted to reassure me that the toilets were indeed safe. After they left two or three messages on our answering machine, Mom made me call them back and apologize for wasting their time. But Ken the Answering Machine Voice wasn’t there, so I got transferred. Each time I got transferred, the Customer Service Representative asked me the nature of my complaint. “What was the nature of your complaint?” is what they said, and I replied, ” It was about the safety of the toilets in the plumbing department.” And they said, ”Ummmmm, okaaaay…………hold just a sec and I’ll transfer you.” So eventually, after being disbelieved by at least 67 adults, I found out that Ken was on his lunch break. So I told them to forget about it.

The next week I received the following letter:

Dear Ms. Cunningham:

I am writing to you at this time due to my inability to reach you by phone. I have tried on numerous occasions to contact you, but was unsuccessful.

We appreciate your concern regarding the safety of the toilet displays in the plumbing department. I can assure you that the toilets on display are mounted to 2×6′s hidden behind the display and bolted down using washer and nuts. These displays are inspected monthly by our safety manager to ensure they are 100% safe. you never know……

Thank you for bringing your issue to my attention. Please feel free to contact me in you have any further questions.

Very truly yours, very truly! not just sort of kind of yours, very truly yours! he is sincere about crazy people complaining about toilets! because he gets paid money to deal with them!

Ken W——

Toilet Zone Manager

Lowe’s inc.

I STILL HAVE WRITER’S BLOCK

helllllllllpppppppppp.

Today is the beginning of Lent. Ash Wednesday is always a fun service. Something always happens, plus there’s the fact that you get to have ashes on your forehead. I love that for some reason. Don’t ask. 

For example, there was the year that my brother was the acolyte, and he had the job of putting ashes on Pastor Dave’s forehead. He did it perfectly, but then he decided that it was too faint, so he put some more on. And some more. And then some more, until Pastor Dave looked like an Indian warrior. During the sermon that year, he spoke about how we’re all equal in the eyes of the Lord, and we each have the same amount of ashes (ie sin) on our foreheads. Then an older lady called out, “You should see your forehead, Dave!” and everybody cracked up. And when it came time to wipe the ashes off with the holy oil, Ben left a giant smear on Pastor Dave’s head. People still talk about that.

This year a woman fainted. Well, actually she gets “slain in the spirit” which I think means that the Holy Spirit causes her to pass out. This happens fairly often, usually at special services or during music. This year was different in that everybody just let her lie there to recover. I suppose that that’s the simplest and easiest way, because she doesn’t wake up until she (or the Holy Spirit controlling her) is ready. It was extremely uncomfortable because we had to step over her body as we went up to the altar. It was hard not to laugh, and the longer it lasted the harder it was. She didn’t wake up until the end of the service.

Our church is kind of crazy sometimes. Remind me to tell you about the time we went to see Godspell.

Happy Ash Wednesday!

And good luck giving up whatever it is you’re giving up!