Happy Kansas Day.

Today is Kansas Day—who knew? 

My mom did. She made us a traditional Kansas meal.

Then we all tried to talk in Kansas accents but it became clear that if that continued we would be at dinner for several hours.

Kansas entered the Union on January 29, 1861. This year’s theme, for the official celebration, was “Kansans on the Go”. Amelia Earhart fits that description…and is Sebelius the secretary of transportation now?

No sorry. Secretary of Health and Human Services. Thank you Google.

This reasonably unattractive photo is of Ben and I at the center of the 48 contiguous states.

That’s pretty much the entire attraction.

This is another popular and fabulous Kansas attraction: the cabin where someone wrote Home on the Range, which is the Kansas state song.

Again, pretty much the entire attraction is in the photo.

This is the snapshot of all our Kansas memorabilia.

My wife and I were traveling on the Kansas Turnpike, bucking 30 to 45 m.p.h. crosswinds. At the tollbooth, I asked the attendant, “What do you people do in Kansas when the wind quits?”

The tollbooth attendant didn’t miss a beat. She answered, “We take the rocks out of our pockets.”

That is a vaguely amusing and yet incredibly true Kansas joke.

And here is our delicious Kansas Day dinner, comprising (comprised of? I can never remember) mashed potatoes, chicken-fried steak, white gravy, green beans, corn, peaches, and “relish tray”. This last one is apparently a Kansas tradition.

Jello with stuff in it is also a Kansas tradition, but fortunately we skipped that.

Goodbye!

I leave for Taize tomorrow morning, so I just wanted to take this opportunity to let everyone know I won’t be posting (actually, I have a few things on the AutoPoster but I’m not sure I did it right) for the next 10 days or so, although I promise to post lots and lots of pictures when I come back! Seeing photos of other people’s trips can get rather boring though, can’t it? I have been thinking of different sorts of trips lately:

• Mission trips, where you go to help others and usually become very very dirty in the process
• Pilgrimages, such as to Taize, where you look for God in yourself
• Vacations, which are usually fun fun fun, but not always
• Trips. I think everyone knows what I mean when I say, “trips”.

We often go on trips to the Midwest, where there is a lot of empty land. We’ve seen the great sights of America, such as Mount Rushmore, which consists of the heads of dead people carved in stone; EVERY DARN ONE  of the Laura Ingalls Wilder historical monuments, including the dugout on the Banks of Plum Creek, which interestingly enough has quite a bit of marijuana growing near it; or the Geographical Center of the 48 Contiguous States, which is in the middle of nowhere Kansas and is extremely windy. It does have a cute chapel though. Also, the Land of Oz theme/adventure park, which if I remember correctly is in Garden City Kansas, and is made up of a) a yellow brick road, b) a swingset, c) an old train, for some reason, and d) a mysterious red barn with pictures of the flying monkeys that is never open.

Other people may go on trips to the Scottish highlands, where they can meet braepeople and watch men in skirts singing songs containing words like “brankie”, while eating haggis; or they may go to the Milford Highlands, where they can stay at the Scottish Inn, and, during select weekends such as Milford Music Festival weekend, experience the charming quaintness of Milford by getting stuck in traffic made up of 1400 people from New Jersey, shop, and listen to music, much of it provided by people not yet out of high school. (I just had to find a way to work the Milford Highlands in there cause I find it highly ironic.)

Anyway. Goodbye for now, I love you all, pray for me, see you in August!

Au Revoir!

Sarcasm City

My mother just received her Sherman County Alumni Association newsletter, and I have this urge to make fun of it in public.

Sherman County is in northwestern Kansas, by the Colorado border. I really, really, do not like Kansas. At all. There is nothing there. For example, the State Lake does not have any water. Once my grandmother pointed excitedly at a damp ditch and yelled, “Look! There’s WATER in the river!”.  Except for Oklahoma and possibly Nebraska, Kansas is the most empty state I have ever been to.

The newsletter, first off, spells her name wrong. It begins with the header Sherman County Alumni Association and follows with the deeply insightful subhead Another Year Comes to a Close at Goodland High School. The first sentence of the article then helpfully informs you, in case you completely ignored the subhead, Another year at Goodland high School has come to a close. Congratulations to the 64 graduates of the Class of 2008. When my mother graduated from there she had about 150 other students in her class, so the town is gradually getting smaller and smaller. My dad’s class also had about 150, although he’s from a completely different state. If I was in regular school, even in our little town, there would be about 480 kids in my class.

The class of 2007 had the James Bond tagline, and the class of 08 has “Pushing the legal limit”, but what can you do with 2011? I’m just glad that by the time 2011 rolls around they won’t have those stupid glasses where the eyes are the 0′s. You know the ones I mean:

 

Those really bug me for some reason.

The newsletter goes on to “make you aware of many opportunities available for the Alumni who are interested in returning to the Good Life in Sherman County”. These opportunities include FCCLA, the Family Career and Community Leaders of America. The rest of the article is about FCCLA (do they say eff-see-see-ell-ay? or fckla? or family career and community leaders of America? or what? hm.) and the awards they’ve given each other. They “can also boast our accomplishments in the following areas”, and then a list of sports and academic achievements the class of 2008 did.

The thing that I am genuinely impressed by is State music competition. I’m not sure what kind of organization they have. Here it’s PMEA (pee-em-ee-ay) but in New York it’s NYSSMA (nis-ma). So probably KMEA (kmee) or KSSMA (kiss ma….I’m guessing it’s not this.). At the local high school (I’m going to refer to it as “we” because while I don’t go there I am in the music department and I’m sure you’re bright enough to figure it out), it’s pretty unusual to get to states.

The band usually gets a couple people into districts, and one or two into regionals. The chorus always gets about ten people into districts and four or five into regionals, and just about every year they get one person into states. Less frequently they have All-Eastern. The orchestra…if you get into districts, it means semi-fame, particularly if you’re a violinist. This year there was one violinist who got in, the first in about five years. Last year there was a bass player. Before that the last person to get in was in 2003 and he is semi-famous in his own right now. There hasn’t been a girl for ten years or a sophomore for seven, so maybe it’s time to break that streak. (NO, I’m not committing!) So if a high school that small got people to states…that’s impressive.

Now, back to the sarcasm!

On the second page there is an article urging you to “Come Home”. Come Home is their new slogan, evidently, but instead of hitting ctrl-i they just put it in “quotes” all the time. It really, really, bothers me when people do this.

Refresher course:

WRONG: I would like to extend a “huge” thanks to all the seniors for their leadership, blah blah blah…. This implies that you are not really extending a huge thanks, you just want to sort-of thank the seniors, or you want them to think that you’re thanking them while really you can’t wait for them to leave.

RIGHT: Mr. Jones checked into the hotel with his “wife” yesterday afternoon. Using the basic rule above, explain why this sentence is correct. (Hint:Dear Abby will tell you what is the best thing for “Mrs. Jones” to do in this situation. )

All through the whole darn article it has “come home”. In quotes. WRONGLY. Here are some excerpts:

Goodland boasts the only 18 hole golf course between Denver and Hays and is called the “Gem of the Prairie”.

With two fitness centers, the Carnegie Arts Center, the High Plains Museum, Six Public Parks… None of these attractions are really that impressive. Or, I’m just a cynical Easterner. Last time I was in the High Plains Museum, the grouchy lady at the desk wanted to know if we had ever been in a museum before and did we know how to behave? What does she expect people to say, “No, I haven’t. I was under the impression that I could just come in here with a sledgehammer and destroy things!”. Mom said that actually the last museum we had been to was the Met, which shut her up.

Great Shopping- Where, Wal-Mart?

During the summer months we have a 4th of  July Celebration with the Best Fireworks Display between Kansas City and Denver. Dad wants to know whether Goodland’s celebration is really better than Topeka’s or Lawrence’s, Topeka and Lawrence being actual cities.

The Senior Adult Center, a gathering place FOR ADULTS —No duh!

Northwest Kansas Technical College—Who knew?

VA Medical Services only 30 miles away!  —In Colby.

The Closing Line: We Welcome you to “come home”!!!

And here is their website if you are interested in a considerably less sarcastic picture of Goodland, Kansas:

 http://gogoodlandks.com

Rah.

I am pleased to announce to anyone that hasn’t heard yet, not that there is anyone in the United States that doesn’t already know this, but the Jayhawks won the NCAA Championship Game last night. KU is my dad’s school and my grandfather was also a big supporter (being from Kansas) so of course we must support the Jayhawks.

I know virtually nothing about basketball so it was a learning experience for me- I mean, who knew that there was more than one mascot? KU has at least 2! Plus “Baby Jay”, who is a Jayhawk played by a woman! I think that that could open up a whole new window of commercial opportunities: Baby Jay; Jay Goes to the William Allen White School of Journalism; Jay Settles Into Middle Age; and finally, Geriatric Jay. Wouldn’t that be great?  I mean, he could have a walker and everything!

I also learned several things about basketball, mainly that it’s better than football and not as fun as baseball. Also in basketball they have this thing called a “field goal”, which is also a football term, but they mean completely different things. I can now use such savvy expressions as “in the paint” or “Beak ‘em!” which apparently is this KU spectator chant. They also do the “waving wheat”. And they go, “Rock, chalk, Jay, Hawk, K, U.”. Dad used to have a beer opener that played their fight song, but it broke.

I love commentary. Last time I watched a basketball game it was in 2003, when the Hawks lost to Syracuse (boo) and my grandmother insisted that we listen to the game on the radio at the same time as we  watched it on the television with the sound muted. This was confusing:

Announcer: He shoots! He SCORES!

Spectator: Hang on. They’re still on the other end of the court!

This time it was in real time so it was better. They yakked about “quickness” a lot. He has this great quickness. He really used his quickness. He didn’t have enough quickness. In the best line of the game, the commentator said, “Ya gotta know the rules.”. Also, “it’s tied in Texas.” Also, “SASHA KAUN!”. Sasha Kaun is a KU player who luckily has a name that is a lot of fun to say, especially in a menacing/wondering way. After he makes a shot, the commentator always goes, “Sa-sha Kaun!” Also, commentators always have really loud ties. Has anyone else noticed this alarming trend?

And the commercials were….interesting. Most car ads look the same (buy an expensive vehical, look at it from a weird angle, and all of a sudden you can drive off mountains) but the Toyota Corolla (at least that’s what I think it was) was great. “We have locked our friend in the car with ferocious sleeping badgers”. FEROCIOUS SLEEPING BADGERS! How can you beat that?!?

Anyway, KU won, miraculously, in overtime. Rah.

The State Lake

For some reason this has been on my mind lately, so I thought that I’d share the time my mother took us to the Kansas State Lake.

Now, when I think “lake”, I usually think of a fairly large body of water, such as Lake Erie or Lake Wallenpaupack or any one of the numerous lakes nearby. But bear in mind that this story takes place in Kansas. Kansas (state motto: Ad Astra Per Aspirin- To the Stars Through Pain Medication) , particularly western Kansas, which is where we were, is a large, flat state, with very little water. I think that this has something to do with a dam on the Colorado River, but I’m not real clear on that. I actually learned to drive in Kansas, which was really handy because there is nothing to hit. If you go off the road, you end up in a cornfield. And even though I was ten, I am pleased to report that I did not hit anybody, and it was a whole lot less stressful than trying to drive in the church parking lot and worrying about running over choir members.

So anyway, we spent several weeks in Kansas, seeing the various sights, such as the Geographical Center of the 48 Contiguous States and The Cabin Where Some Guy Wrote the Lyrics To Home On The Range, Which Is the Kansas State Song. And then, Mom took us on an outing to see the State Lake. Having grown up seeing the Hudson and the Delaware on a regular basis, I expected a pretty impressive lake, or at least something the size of Steele’s Pond. But no; there was not one drop of water in the State Lake. There were various fishing regulations posted (No more that 2 fish per person per day; catfish season is not until June) but there was no water. I think there was even a pier, but there was no water. At all. It was like in the Rime of the Ancient Mariner where there’s water everywhere but not a drop to drink, all the boards did shrink, ect, only in reverse.

I still find it difficult to believe that the STATE LAKE can be COMPLETELY WATERLESS. 

On a different occasion, we were at a hotel in Sioux Falls and we decided that we wanted to go hiking on some trails behind the hotel. But there was a drainage ditch (or so we thought) in the way. At the front desk, when Mom asked the clerk for a map and directions, she said, “But that ditch back there, is there any way to cross that without having to drive?” To which the clerk replied coldly, “THAT is a RIVER, madam.”. It was very funny, and it was made funnier by the fact that it was not just ANY old ditch masquerading as a river, but it turned out to be the Big Sioux River, which is very important in South Dakota. There is even this attraction, at the Big Sioux River Falls, wherin after dark everybody brings flashlights and all these different colored spotlights bounce off the falls, making a truly stunning show for which they actually charge you money. Real money to see colored lights reflect off a waterfall. I did not make this up.

If anyone has water to spare, please send your donations in sealed Tupperware containers to “If You Call It A Lake, It Should Have Water,” c/o myself, and we’ll make sure that gets into the right hands.